she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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