Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
