I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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