tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
