either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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