Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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