I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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