Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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