I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i love accidental penises.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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