I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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