What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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