the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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