I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Randomize
