Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
