ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
