I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
