They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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