your thong is hanging out like whoa
are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
