I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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