Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
