Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
