I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
