Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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