and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
