i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
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