Acid is not a monday night drug
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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