2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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