I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
