Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I skipped work to stalk him.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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