Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
