I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
