masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
