i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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