bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
