I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
