how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
