the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
