dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Randomize
