Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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