Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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