dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
