If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
