I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
