I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
