I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
you traded sex for a burrito?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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