So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
