You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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