ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I deserve this hangover.
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