You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
