Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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