he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You are the jesus of drinking
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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